It seems that someone has made it his mission in life to help you with all of the above -- and lots more.
A man calling himself the "Crazy Russian Hacker" is fast becoming the go-to guy on the web for all kinds of obscure practical advice.
With his trademark protective glasses and "Safety is number-one priority!" catchphrase, Taras Kulakov has been attracting millions of people to his YouTube channel, which offers handy tips on various subjects -- ranging from the easiest way to peel an egg to making a deadly weapon from a plastic bottle and rubber balloon.
Using quirky and genial good humor, it's easy to see why Kulakov has become such an irresistible Internet sensation, especially as he also offers viewers an amazing repertoire of technical knowledge that often borders on wizardry.
Strangely enough, for someone who has become such a huge web presence with a prominent social media profile, not a lot is actually known about the Crazy Russian Hacker and his identity has become a matter of some speculation.
There are many who claim he is not even Russian (and to be fair his accent makes him sound a bit like Boris Badenov from the cartoon "Rocky and Bullwinkle").
One school of thought claims he is actually a Czech emigrant living in Asheville, North Carolina.
If that's true, it's not clear why he has decided to adopt such a stereotypical persona to ply his shtick, but perhaps he is cannily taking advantage of the viral potential of all things Russian, a phenomenon that seems to be ruling the Internet at the moment.
Whatever the motivation, it cannot be disputed that Kulakov's videos are fiendishly addictive and offer all kinds of information that could someday be useful, especially in the event of some sort of apocalypse, zombie or otherwise.
Here's a selection of our favorite clips:
WATCH: "How To Open A Can Without Can Opener"
WATCH: "10 Simple Life Hacks Part 1"
WATCH: "10 Cheap Vodka Life Hacks Every Russian Know About!"
-- Coilin O'Connor